


Moonlight

by orphan_account



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment, NYC (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-24 05:17:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryosuke needed a while, to realize that Yuma was the light in his life, but now that he was gone, the darkness without him felt so terribly cold.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! My first YumaDa fic! Cheers to that :D
> 
> I know that this is a reaaaally rare pairing and that finding fics with anything related to Yuma is next to impossible, so I hope everyone who has been as desperately searching as me will enjoy this one ;) *shippers of rare pairings need to stick together*
> 
> Insert Song: Moonlight - Yamada Ryosuke

Ryosuke’s POV

夢の中の笑顔 (The smile in my dreams)

_Yuma had always had a captivating smile, somehow, but until now, I had never quite noticed just how much it made me feel better when I was down. The truth in it, the innocence… There was just something pure to him. He had always been like that, seeing no need in lying when he could as well just blurt out the truth and laugh it away, not caring if he became victim to the jokes following his actions._

_I had always taken it for granted, having him around, until I was laying here beside him, in his bed, staring at his smiling face, and it filled me with a warmth that I had never experienced before._

_I wanted to stay here and bath in this feeling, and leave the cold world of night outside._

_I reached out, stroking his hair out of his eyes._

_“Yuma” I breathed. “I-“_

_Yuma just smiled and leaned in. I closed my eyes, anticipating his lips against mine…_

忘れられない涙 (The tears that I can’t forget)

_When suddenly, everything was gone. The warmth. Yuma beside me. The warm light of his bedside lamp. I opened my eyes again, blinking in confusion against the darkness._

_Yuma was across the room. The warm smile on his lips was gone, and those big brown eyes glared down at me with an intensity that gave me shivers. And none of the good kind._

_There was thunder outside and for a moment, I saw something glistening on Yuma’s face, and I scrambled to sit up to get a better look at him._

_Now I could see it: The tear falling down his cheek. It made my heart stop for a moment._

_“…Yuma?” I breathed, wanting to get up, to reach out to him, to take him into my arms again. To somehow stop that suffering look on his face. But I couldn’t bring myself to move._

満ちてゆく君を抱きしめたくて (You become full and I want to hold you)

_I gulped when Yuma opened his mouth to speak, only to mutter one word:_

_“Liar”_

_And then, somehow, the last bit of light falling through the curtains was gone, and everything felt so terribly cold._

_“Yuma?!” I called, standing up from the bed, reaching from him, but my hands did not meet him. “Yuma?!”_

You are moonlight

„YUMA?!“ I still murmured as I sat up straight in my bed, panting and sweating from my dream. I looked around desperately, but of course, I was in my own room, and not in Yuma’s. The realization hurt more than it should. 

Even if Yuma was crying, even if he was insulting me like he was in my dream… It was still better than a reality of not having him around at all. 

Don’t leave me alone

As I tried to calm my breathing, I instinctively fumbled for my phone, dialing the same number I had dialed in vain so many times in the last few days. I stared at the name on the screen for a moment.

_Nakayama Yuma_

As I finally raised the phone to my ear, it rang only one more time before it went to voicemail. I closed my eyes as I listened to Yuma’s cheerful voice, telling that he was currently not available and that I should try it again later or leave him a message. 

After the beeping tone, I took a shaky breath, needing a moment before I could bring out any words.

“Yuma?” I murmured, my throat dry. “This is Ryosuke…again. Please talk to me. I… I miss you.” I hesitated, wondering if I should add anything more, but just hanging up in the end. 

I stared at my phone for a moment before throwing it through the room in frustration. Luckily, it landed softly on the arm of the couch. Cookie, who was sleeping on the couch, jumped up in shock and fled my room with a whimper. 

I sighed as I sank back into my pillow, closing my eyes. 

眠りの暗闇一人 (Alone in the darkness of sleep)

All of this mess had started a week ago, between all the stress of Johnny’s World and my single promotion. It was no secret that I did not feel quite comfortable about my solo single – after such a long break Hey! Say! JUMP had had to hold on without any releases, being told that the single I had been convinced the band would get was given to me as a solo debut made me feel more than a little guilty. 

The band meant the world to me. I had no intention to mess with that and go solo. If it weren’t for the guys encouraging me, I would have never even accepted the offer.

“It will be good for the band, as well” Yuya had told me. “And it’s a huge chance for you. Don’t waste it.” 

I had been thankful for their support, but it had also set me under a lot of pressure. I had been given a chance that had been taken away from the rest of the members. Now I needed to set all of my might into making it a success. 

But halfway through, all of this began to get to me. The stress of shouldering too many responsibilities. The guilt and unease about the situation. I felt on edge all the time, tense in a way it was somehow hard to deal with. 

It was during that time, that I met Yuma by chance. He had been at the Imperial Theatre for rehearsals for his special new year’s performances with Tackey, and he had burst into the dressing room to say hello. 

Everyone else had already left, only I had hung behind, in no mood to talk to anyone. When Yuma had turned up, I had forced a smile, hoping he would disappear soon enough if I kept the conversation short. 

But I had underestimated Yuma in that aspect. It was something I had tended to do from the start, ever since we had been put into one unit. He had been the kohai, the inexperienced one, even though he had had almost as much acting experience as me and a voice I sometimes envied him for. I had called him stupid every chance I got, though in the end, he had been the only one of the band going to university. 

Also, I had always thought him careless. But in reality, he paid closer attention than I ever gave him credit for. 

Closer attention than me, even. 

So when I tried to cut our small talk short, he noticed. I could see some expression in those big brown eyes, but it was hard for me to decipher. And well, I would have needed to look closer to tell what it meant. And somehow, I had always had difficulties in doing so when it came to Yuma. 

“Say, Yamada-Kun” he said suddenly, smiling in a seemingly thoughtless way. “You’re free for tonight, right? Let’s go grab some food together. We haven’t chatted for quite some time.”

目指してゆく光 (I reach for the light)

I had frowned, wanting to shrug him off, but something about his smile caught me off guard. I had never really paid attention to it, but Yuma _really_ had a nice smile. I had heard people saying that, but I had never paid much mind to it, because yeah, we were all idols. Of course we had our certain charm points.

But now that I allowed myself to look, Yuma’s smile had something intoxicating. Maybe even healing, because somehow, I felt not as heavy anymore as I had felt a moment ago. It made me think that maybe, spending some time with Yuma was a good idea, after all. 

微笑んだ君が見つめて呼んでる (You smile at me and call me)

So before I knew it, I ended up saying: „Okay. Let’s go.”

Yuma’s answering smile was even brighter, and I couldn’t help but smile back. 

The difference between Yuma’s bright smile and that blank look on his face every time I saw him now was such a cliff that it was hard for me to believe that they could be produced from the same person. Or that there were only a few days between them. 

カーテンの隙間から月が消えたなら (If the moon disappears from between the curtains)

And the way this realization hurt me, and the knowledge that it was entirely my fault, was proof enough to show me that I had made a huge mistake. A mistake that I was not sure if I could ever take it back and bring that huge smile back to his face. 

ベッドの上に一つ孤独な心が凍えてた (On the bed one lonely heart freezes)

And maybe that was the worst punishment of all, because I had never quite realized how much I had grown to rely on that smile. How much I really _loved_ that smile.

Or how much I loved Yuma in general. 

思いだけを焦がしてる (Only the feelings burn)

I wished I had realized this before it was too late. Why had I not realized it when I had slept next to him? 

Because it had been so peaceful, to feel his warm motionless body pressed into mine. To hear his even breathing. To watch the mindless expression on his face as he slept… It had been so calming that for a few moments, I had forgotten all my worries and just drifted off into a blissful ignorance with him. 

I should have realized it then. Now, I wanted to go back to that moment so desperately, but it was too late.

君に触れたいまま何もできないまま (I want to hold you, but I can’t do anything)  
今夜も一人で夢に落ちる (I’ll fall asleep alone tonight as well)

But it’s not like I could not understand Yuma keeping his distance from me now. Had the roles been reversed, I would have not forgiven myself, either. Would not have the trust to reach out for my hand again. 

He had opened his heart to me, and I had stamped all upon it in my panic and pride. 

And now, I got the punishment for that. 

微笑んで来ないで、夢の中に来ないで (You won’t come to me smiling, you won’t come to me in my dreams)

Finally, I scrambled myself up from the bed, walking towards the couch. My hand was shaking as I reached out, taking a look at the screen, but there were no new messages. No answer from Yuma. Of course there wasn’t. 

My fingers clung to my cell phone as I closed my eyes. 

分かってても、苦しくても、この手を伸ばしてしまう (Even though I know it, even though it’s painful, I’m reaching out my hand)

“Is this really supposed to be all?” I whispered into the empty room. “Is it really over just like this?”

Of course, there was no answer. The night had never felt this cold.

消えないで (Don’t disappear)

It had surprised me, how much I had enjoyed spending the night in Yuma’s presence. Talking to him had somehow made me feel at ease. It was weird – if asked, I would have never named Yuma as the first person to call when I was in need of someone to talk. But when I had been there with him, it had seemed natural to confide in him.

Maybe it was because he was _not_ a member of the band, not really, but still close enough to understand what was going on without me explaining everything in detail. Maybe it was because he knew what it felt like to release a solo single, and all the feelings that came with it, even though for him, it must have been a little different because NYC had never been a unit as Hey! Say! JUMP. Chinen and I had sworn when we had entered NYC that Hey! Say! JUMP would always come first, and Yuma had always been aware of that.

Sometimes, I had wondered if he had felt left out, but he had always smiled convincingly, never voicing a complaint, so I had let it be. Now, with the way he was listening to me, the way he was honestly trying to help me and cheer me up, I wondered if I had been a little unfair to him. 

“Ne, Yuma” I had murmured in the end, when we were both collecting our things to leave the restaurant. 

“Hmm?” Yuma had blinked, looking up at me. I focused my gaze on my bag, somehow unable to look into those stunning brown eyes.

“Thank you” I had said finally.

When I had finally looked up at Yuma again, he had been smiling a little embarrassedly.

“You know you can always come to me whenever you need someone to talk to” he had replied at last, shrugging. “I mean, I know that most of the JUMP members come before me in the line, but-“

“That’s not true” I had murmured uncomfortably, though that was kind of a lie, and Yuma had just shrugged, taking his bag and walking towards the cashier to pay. 

I had watched his back with a tight feeling in my chest. Because yeah, it was not like I did not _like_ Yuma. Not at all – I knew that he was good at heart, as loyal as you could probably find a guy out there; he was funny in his own clumsy way, charming with his childish and still mature character… It was not that I did not like him. Not at all.

But still, he was somehow _different_ , and it was hard to put a finger on it. Something had always let me keep a distance, never let me get too deeply involved with him, somehow. 

And Yuma knew that, obviously, just like he knew that NYC was not Hey! Say! JUMP. And somehow, it made me feel like the worst friend ever. 

I did not have much time to ponder over it, though, because when we had stepped out onto the street, we had found ourselves in the downpour of our lives. In a first instinct, we had tried to find a convenience store to buy an umbrella, since none of us had brought one, but halfway we had realized that it was not much use, since we had already been completely drenched anyways. 

It was then, that Yuma had offered me to come home with him. 

“My apartment is only a block from here” he had murmured between shudders of cold. “We can wait there and dry up before you go home.” 

Something inside of me had told me that this was a bad idea. But the part of me that had been shivering and wet and just wanted a warm shower had thought that this was the best idea ever.

So in the end, I had agreed.

I had never been to Yuma’s apartment, though he had already been living in Tokyo for almost a year now, in his own apartment close to University. He had sometimes invited Chinen and me over, but somehow, we had never taken him up on it. 

But the moment I had been there, I had felt strangely at home. The apartment had a nice, warm feeling to it… like the shelter I needed from the pouring rain. Everything inside of it screamed Yuma – from the creative chaos that was just the right mix between not too messy and not too clean, to the photos scattered all across the rooms, to the university work spread across the top of the kotatsu. 

“Here” Yuma had murmured as he had pressed a bunch of clothes into my hand which I had recognized as some sweatpants and a sweater. “They might be too big on you, but you can wear them while your own clothes dry. You can use the shower.” 

I had smiled at him thankfully before making my way over to the bathroom. When I had come back to the living room, freshly showered and cosy in Yuma’s warm clothes, Yuma had also changed, but his hair had still been wet and he had been shivering as he had taken my clothes to put them in the drier. 

“You go shower, too, I can entertain myself for a few minutes” I had nodded to the bathroom, but Yuma had shaken his head, murmuring something about showering after I had gone home. I had frowned at him, catching the way he had tried to suppress another shiver from the cold as he had pushed the buttons of the drier. “Don’t be ridiculous. You are totally feeling cold!” I had groaned, reaching out to touch his cheek to prove the point.

His skin had surely been cold when I touched it, but that was not the reason why I had frozen in my tracks. It was the way Yuma had looked down at me suddenly, and _damn_ , those eyes… 

Both of us had fallen silent, and I had felt like I was caught in some kind of trance as I had stared into Yuma’s eyes. 

And before I had known it, I had crossed the distance between us and leaned up to press my lips against his. Just like that. No thinking about it. Pure instinct, or whatever it was. 

Yuma had gasped as my lips had moved against his, but when I had brought my free hand up to his shoulder, and the hand on his cheek had moved to his wet hair to grasp it and pull him closer, he had murmured something incomprehensible before closing his eyes and returning the kiss.

It had felt like as soon as our lips met, a fire was ignited between us, and I had found it impossible to think. All I could feel were Yuma’s lips against mine and his hair and his skin under my fingers and the way his mouth had tasted when I had dipped my tongue into it…

I could feel goosebumbs on Yuma’s skin, but if they were due to the cold or to our kiss, I could not tell. 

I had taken a step forward, pressing Yuma up against the drier, eliciting a small whimper from him. I had drunken up the sound, eager for more.

But the more we had kissed, the more Yuma had found his way into the game, biting my lip in a sensual way or sneaking his fingers under the fabric of the sweater he had leant to me, making me gasp with the little touches. It had felt good, but it had also frustrated me, because Yuma had a height advantage and I had always been a dominant character who hated losing to anyone, even in a matter like this. 

So when Yuma had begun to raise the sweater over my head, I had pressed further against him, my own hands finding the front of his sweat pants. Yuma had moaned helplessly as I had fingered the bulge underneath through the fabric, and I had felt the tone of his voice all through my body, making me breathless. 

“Bed” I had gasped, rubbing and palming Yuma roughly, and he had leaned his forehead against mine shakily, catching for breath. 

“I-“ he had murmured, gasping. “You-“

“Yes?” I had enquired, amused at his vain tries of forming a sentence. He did not give up, though his thinking seemed to go even slower than usually with my hand where it was. 

“That’s… What – ugh, Ryosuke…”

“Say, is there still a verb coming?” I had teased. “Because if not, let’s just save it for later and move to the good stuff.” 

This had startled a laugh out of Yuma, and I had decided to not wait around for his mouth to catch up with him anymore and had pulled him into another kiss. 

Kissing worked better than talking, I found. Yuma had reciprocated enthusiastically, battling my tongue in his mouth and clinging to me tightly. 

When I had finally removed my hand from his pants to grab his shirt and walk backwards, pulling him with me, Yuma had mumbled something against my lips, but I had taken it as approval, because he did not protest and simply followed me. 

I had tried to maneuver us blindly towards Yuma’s bedroom, but the apartment had still been unfamiliar to me and when I had bumped into a wall twice, I had let him finally take the lead at least until the back of my knees had hit the matrices. 

I had fallen backwards with a yelp, landing softly on the covers, and had glared up at Yuma when he had chuckled. 

“Either you keep laughing at me, or you come to bed now” I had grumbled, moving up so I was fully sprawled across the matrices. “Your choice”

I had gasped when suddenly, I had found myself straddled by Yuma, my hands pinned over my head and his eyes dark and intense as they met mine. 

“Who says only you are allowed to laugh at me?!” he had demanded with a small smile, bending down until his lips had almost touched mine.

“I thought that was written in our contracts when we signed up for NYC?” I had whispered, somehow not managing to find my voice now that he was this close again. 

Yuma had scoffed before crossing the distance between us again, catching my lips in another kiss, this time dominated by him. It had given me shivers all over my body, and when he had broken the kiss to drag his lips down my jaw and my neck, my wrists had strained against his grip in the need to touch him. 

Finally, I had dislodged his hold on me and turned us around, now pinning Yuma down effectively.

“Just because you’re taller doesn’t mean I’ll leave the lead to you!” I had groaned, and before Yuma could response, I had had him engaged in another hungry kiss. 

It was then, that things had gotten really hot and messy. I could not for the life of me recall whose clothes had been on the floor first, but once they had been out of the way, we could not seem to stop touching the other. Yuma’s skin had still been cold from the rain and he had shivered every time I had run my warm palms over it, seeming overly sensitive. I, on the other hand, had drowned in every shudder and every sound Yuma had released, too fascinated by them to even bring any sense into what we were doing here. 

And then, when Yuma’s hand had closed around my erection, thinking had become impossible altogether anyways. 

Yuma had managed to turn our position around again while I was distracted, kissing down my chest, my stomach, my hipbones… I had gasped, opening my eyes and looking down when he licked over the tip of my erection. 

His eyes had met mine before he had taken me into his mouth, going down on me slowly. I had moaned, fighting hard the desire to just close my eyes, throw my head back and drown in the feeling, but nothing had been worth looking away from those eyes in that very moment. 

Yuma had taken me in until his lips had met the fist he had closed around the base of my erection, tonguing the underside in his mouth, and I could not help but sneak my fingers into his hair, holding on tightly as he had gone up again. 

I had kept my eyes fixed on Yuma as he had started to create a rhythm, making me feel incredibly close in an embarrassingly short amount of time, but I could not bring myself to feel any shame because Yuma’s ministration had just felt too good to leave any room for other emotions. 

When I had gone over the edge, I had had Yuma’s name on my lips, and I lost all sense for time and space until I had opened my eyes again and Yuma’s head had been lying on my stomach, big brown eyes watching my face. 

“Hi” he had said, smiling, and I could not help but chuckle. “For a moment, I thought you’d fallen asleep on me there.”

“I would have, but you’re heavy” I had teased, poking him into his ribs, and Yuma had squealed girlishly before moving away from me onto the other side of the bed. 

Smirking, I had crawled over to him, making him look around furtively for a way to escape.

“You know, there is kind of no point in running from me” I had reminded him. “I can’t return the favor if you’re out of my reach.”

Yuma’s eyes had met mine hopefully, and I had leaned in to catch his lips in another kiss. Just when I had felt that he was engaged enough again, I had sneaked my fingers to his sides, where I knew that he was ticklish, and had started to attack. 

Yuma had gasped for air, jerking violently, and before I had known it, both of us had been lying on the floor in a bundle of limbs.

“YUMA!” I had complained, not having counted on him clinging to me so much that I would actually come tumbling down with him, and had groaned when Yuma had accidentally kicked me in his attempt to get up. 

“This is your fault!” he had protested with a pout. “You really know how to kill the mood!” 

“You are the clumsy one!” I had reminded him, and we had bickered as we had somehow entangled ourselves from each other. “Whatever” I had huffed, climbing back onto the bed and drawing the blanket over myself. “I’ll sleep now. Goodnight.”

“WHAT?!” Yuma had asked incredulous, staring at me from down on the floor, but I had just closed my eyes and ignored him. 

There had been a moment of silence, and when I had opened my eyes again, Yuma had still been watching me from the floor with a frown on his face. He had looked kind of adorable when he was pouting, I had thought. I had always seen the appeal in teasing him. 

Finally, I had lifted the blanket up demonstratively.

“Come here, you’ll get cold” I had murmured. 

Yuma had raised an eyebrow at me, but had climbed onto the bed to lie down at my side. I had let the blanket fall onto him before slinging my arm around his waist, pulling him closer. 

Our eyes had met once more before I had pulled him into a serious kiss. Even if the mood had changed after our teasing, Yuma had been fast to catch on again, and I could coax him right back to where we had left off easily with a few touches. 

When my fingers had closed around his erection again, he had buried his face into my neck, breathing heavily against it. The little puffs of air had given me shivers as I had picked up a quick pace, too tired for anything drawn out. 

Apparently, Yuma had been too worked up to last for long as well – I could feel his heartbeat go out of control quickly from the way my palm had been laying on his chest, occasionally wandering just because it had felt nice to touch his soft skin. 

Yuma had been quiet when he came, but he had shuddered against me and clung to me, and I had quickly pulled him completely into my arms, running my free hand up and down his spine to calm him down while I had cleaned the other against the covers behind him. 

Yuma seemed to drift right off into a slumber as his breathing had evened out, and when I had pulled away enough to look at his face, he had looked so peaceful that I had not had the heart to wake him. So I had just relaxed against him and closed my eyes as well. 

I had slept better that night than I had slept in weeks.

霧部会夜に二人交わしてる温もり(On a misty night our warm bodies cross)

I had been woken up by my cell phone ringing the next morning. I had frowned as I had blinked against the light, feeling disoriented. I had needed a moment before I had found the phone next to me on the bed, squinting at the name on the display.

_Nakayama Yuma_

“Yes?” I had murmured sleepily as I had taken the call, closing my eyes again.

“Good morning” he had chuckled, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “I thought I’d better wake you up, or you will probably sleep all through the evening performance and be yelled at by the manager.”

I had frowned, for a moment not having a clue what he was talking about. Why would he wake me? I had set my alarm, hadn’t I, and if I had really overslept Mum would have…

I had opened my eyes, and sat up straight in shock. 

This was not my bedroom. Or even our house. 

Pictures of last night had come crushing down on me again and I had needed a moment to be able to tune into what Yuma was saying next.

“I needed to leave the house around 8 this morning, but you were so sleepy that I did not have the heart to wake you, so I thought I’d let you sleep for as long as you could.”

I had nodded, though he could not see me, panic flooding through me. 

Had I really spent the night with Yuma?! And above all, had I really touched him?! Kissed him?! 

What had I been thinking?! 

朝日が訪れ君が消えていた (When the morning came, you had disappeared)

„Ryosuke?“ Yuma’s voice had come through the speakers again. “Are you still sleeping?! Oi, listen to me!”

“I’m awake!” I had said quickly, gulping. “I just – I’m late, I need to hurry. Talk to you later, okay?” 

I had hung up before Yuma could even reply anything. 

部屋中を探したって思い出さえなくて(I searched through the room but I had no recollection)

The whole morning, I had pondered back and forth about what had happened last night… It had felt like I had been in some kind of trance. I had not thought clearly obviously. Or else, I would have stopped myself from getting intimate with a band mate. 

Yuma was a friend, nothing more. I had never even noticed that I felt attracted to him, not to mention that I had feelings for him.

So how could things have gotten so out of hand?

I was not ready for this. Not ready for a relationship of any kind, in my current situation, and not at all with someone from the agency, and a guy. I had not signed up for this. 

On my way to the Imperial Theatre, I had finally made up my mind and had gotten out my phone to type a message to Yuma.

“Last night was a mistake. Let’s forget about it.”

I had pressed send without thinking and had turned off my phone right afterwards, a tight feeling in my chest.

今も胸を焦がしてる (Even now it burns in my chest)

All day, I had kept my phone turned off, trying to not think about Yuma or last night at all, but every now and then, Yuma’s smile or how it had felt kissing him had flashed up inside of me again, and everything had seemed to hurt almost physically. 

It had only been an illusion, I had told myself. Somehow, I had tricked myself into thinking I had feelings for Yuma, or whatever it was that had happened the night before. I had been stressed out and Yuma had been _there_ , and somehow, my body had acted on its own. 

But now I was awake and sane and knew better. 

夢かもしれないまま、痛みは消えないまま (It might be a dream, the pain won’t disappear)

But I could only run away from the matter for this long, because at the same night, Yuma had stood in front of my door. My sister had let him in when he had rung the door bell and had brought him up to my room, so when he had knocked on my door and I had opened to see his face, for a moment, I had considered shutting the door right away again in a sudden wave of panic. But I had been too aware of my sister standing right next to him, so I had stepped aside to let him in and had waited until the door was closed until we started speaking. 

“Yuma” I had murmured, a little helplessly. “I-“

“What do you mean ‘last night was a mistake’?!” he had interrupted me angrily, whirling around to face me. “We weren’t drunk or anything and _you_ were the one kissing me first!” 

“I just didn’t think, okay?!” I had groaned. “I was out of my mind, somehow, and-“

“Stop kidding me!” Yuma had called. “You wanted it as much as me! I’ve not been imagining this!”

“Of course I wanted you” I had sighed, somehow finding it hard to look at him. “But I was just… I was not _myself_ last night. You must have noticed. Wasn’t it the same for you?!”

“No, it wasn’t” Yuma had said in a bitter voice. “Because I’ve had feelings for you for as long as I can think, and when you kissed me last night, I thought you would finally feel the same.”

I had looked up at Yuma in shock, but his face had showed no trace of a joke. 

愛しさだけが疼いている(Only the love keeps aching)

“Are you serious?” I had asked anyways, just to check. 

“Yes!” Yuma had groaned angrily. “ _I_ don’t joke about these kind of things!”

“I did not joke” I had murmured uncomfortably. “I just-“

“Seriously, Ryosuke” Yuma had interrupted me, and his voice had sounded slightly choked. “What the heck?! If you have no feelings for me, then why?!”

“I-“ I had murmured, but somehow, no more than a whisper had come out. “I don’t know” I had finished lamely. 

There had been a moment of silence in which I had focused on my slippers, and when I had finally had the guts to look back up at Yuma, I had been thrown by the way his eyes had glistened with held back tears.

“Who do you think I am?” Yuma had brought out finally, his voice rough. “I mean, I know that you never quite took me for full. You and Chinen-Kun always picked on me and I never said anything. You always treated me like a kid. But this… You know, I’m a person with feelings as well!”

At these words, he had met my eyes, and I had felt like the biggest ass in history. I had balled my hands into fists as they shook in the need to reach out to him. 

その手を振らないで、悲しみを見せないで (Without touching that hand, without showing the sadness) 

“I just… I didn’t _think_ , Yuma” I had murmured desperately, my voice rough. “I did not mean to hurt you, I just…”

Yuma had scoffed and shaken his head, taking a step back. 

“It’s okay, I understood” he had said stiffly. “I’ll just leave.”

“Yuma, wait!” I had protested weakly. “I just – can’t we just forget about this? Can’t we just go back to being friends?”

“Don’t you get it, Ryosuke?!” he had snapped without looking at me, his hand on the doorknob. “You were never just a friend to me to begin with. So how am I supposed to just go back to the way things used to be now that I _know_ what it feels like to kiss you? That’s just not possible.”

I had opened my mouth to return something, though I was not quite sure what, but I had not gotten a chance to answer, either – Yuma had already stormed out of the door, shutting the door behind himself forcefully. 

I had stared at the wooden surface, but all I could see where the tears in Yuma’s eyes. 

Ever since then, I could not forget Yuma’s words or the hurt in Yuma’s expression. I had never put much thought to Yuma in general, but now that I had started, I felt that I could not stop. 

Maybe that had been the problem, I started to realize. Maybe I had unconsciously always kept a distance to Yuma, always belittled him because I had somewhere deep inside known that, if I paid closer attention to him, it could become trouble for me.

That I would start feeling things I was not ready to feel. Things deeper than what I had ever felt for any of the JUMP members. 

Or _anyone_ in general. 

No matter what it was, suddenly, the world felt so dark and cold, with the knowledge that I had hurt Yuma like this. 

どこへ行けば、何をすれば、安らぎが包んでくれる (No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I’m concealed by tranquility)

The first time I had seen Yuma again was 3 days after he had stormed out of my room, during an NYC photo shoot. I had tried to silently reach out for him, to smile at him or meet his eyes, but he had avoided me all throughout the day.

And it had hurt as much as if he had slapped me. Maybe even more. 

It had felt hard, to keep my composure after that, but I managed it at least until Yuma had hurried out of the dressing room after we were done, murmuring a quick “Bye” to no one in general. 

行かないで (Please don’t go)

After he had closed the door behind himself, I had stared after him ruefully, apparently for so long that even usually so ignorant Chinen had noticed it.

“Okay, what is going on?” he had asked suddenly, making me wake up from my trance to blink at him. “You’ve been out of it for days, I mean, even worse than usually, and today Yuma-Kun did not smile even once and now you look after him like he ripped out your heart and all of that is really worrying me. So spill it.”

I had gulped, not quite sure what to tell him, and Chinen had just raised his eyebrows and stared at me pointedly, apparently no intention to back off. 

“It’s just…” I had murmured, gulping. “I…”

“Did you fuck?” he had asked off-handedly, and when I had stared at him like a doe caught in the headlights, he had clicked his tongue and snapped impatiently: “Don’t look so scandalized, even _I_ noticed how he’s been pining over you for years and how you have been looking at him recently. I’m not stupid, you know.”

I had blinked, wondering if it was maybe not only Yuma that I had not given enough credit, before picking up on the thing that had startled me the most out of Chinen’s revelations.

“What do you mean, ‘how I have been looking at him’?!” I had murmured, a little insecure. “I have not been looking at him!”

Chinen had looked like he was having sincere compassion with me, because having only half a brain was a terrible disability.

“You have _always_ looked at him, Ryosuke” he had pointed out patiently. “From the moment we met him. You always tried to make it look like you didn’t, but you did. And it became worse the more attractive Yuma-Kun got over the years. And the way you always picked on him… To me, it always seemed like you tried to cover up how much you liked him.”

“I did _not_!” I had returned panicky. “Like him, I mean. I never even saw him that way!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter if you did, because now, you obviously do” Chinen had replied drily. “And I suggest you better do something about it quickly, before I get stuck in between this cold war any longer. And I swear I don’t have any reservations to involve Kei and Hikaru if things get out of hand!”

I had bitten my lip, but Chinen did not seem to expect an answer from me, quietly packing his things and waving me goodbye. 

When he had been gone, I had let myself fall on the chair, wondering what the heck I had gotten myself into.

After Chinen’s words, I had continued thinking in circles, and slowly, I had started seeing where he was coming from. Because I could remember every small change about Yuma, even name months and dates about trivial things, though I could not recall ever _looking_. 

But I could recall Yuma looking, now that I thought about it. I could remember so many shy approachs from him, things that I had not thought much about back then because he had always had that safety smile on his lips, but now that I knew the meaning behind those moments, behind the seemingly careless words, it made my chest tighten with regret.

夢の中の光、忘れていた悲しみ (The light in my dreams, the forgotten sadness)

Maybe, I began to realize, I had made a huge mistake. Maybe, what I had felt in that night had been no illusion at all – it had just been a sudden outburst of things I had been feeling all along, and when I had noticed what I had done, I had chickened out because it had been real and intense and scary.

But now, I had already messed up. Now Yuma was so far away from me that I had no idea how to reach him. Every time I crossed ways with him, he pointedly ignored me, and when I wrote him a message or tried to call him, he never answered.

町で見かけても見詰め合えずに (Even if I saw you around the city, we wouldn’t catch each other)

Only the more the distance between us grew, the more I realized how much I was missing him. His reassuring smile. His warm brown eyes meeting mine. 

It hurt more than I had ever imagined. So much that I was not sure how I was supposed to continue with the way things were now. 

もし二度と笑顔を見れないというなら (If I cannot see your smile ever again)  
明日さえも来なくていい (I don’t care if tomorrow never comes) 

I wanted to see him, and to have him look back at me, meeting my eyes. I wanted to hold him and erase that empty look in his eyes. 

Thinking that, I grabbed the cell phone in my hand a little tighter and turned to my cupboard, quickly picking up a jeans and a T-Shirt.

I did not care if it was the middle of the night. I did not care that he probably did not want to see me. I did not care that I needed to walk almost an hour to reach his apartment because there were no more trains going at this hour.

I just needed to _see_ him. 

Also, I had nothing to lose anymore anyways.   
  
夢の中でも抱いていたい (I want to hold you even if it’s only in my dreams)  
いつまでも (forever)

It was almost 3 am as I finally reached the entrance of Yuma’s apartment building. I stared at the name sign for at least 5 minutes before finally collecting the courage to ring the doorbell. 

For a while, predictably, nothing happened. Only when I rang for the 4th time, there was an answer from the speaker. 

“ _Who_ is it?!” The rough tone of Yuma’s sleepy voice almost threw me a little. “I swear, if this is some joke, I’ll call the police!” I took a deep breath, folding my shaky fingers into a fist. “Hello?!” Yuma called impatiently when there was no answer, and before he hung up, I finally managed to answer: “Hey, this is Ryosuke.”

There was a stunned silence, before Yuma finally brought out an unintelligent: “Huh?!”

“Yuma, please let me in” I said finally, this time a little louder. “I need to talk to you.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me?!” Yuma snapped, his voice a little higher than usually. “Do you know what time it is?!” 

“I know” I sighed. “And I’m going to camp in front of your door if you don’t let me in. I just walked halfway through town in the middle of the night to get to you, so don’t underestimate me.”

There was a silence, and instead of an answer, there was a buzzing sound as the door was opened. I let out a sigh of relief as I quickly stepped inside, almost running the steps up to his apartment (2 times tripping over my own feet). 

Yuma was waiting in the doorframe, his expression hard to read. Wordlessly, he let me inside, quickly closing the door behind me. 

“Have you lost your mind?!” he asked finally, glaring at me. “I have to be at work in about 5 hours, Yamada. This better be good.”

I looked at him unsurely, but my gaze was met with a hard look in his eyes. It was amazing how Yuma could express himself only through his eyes – his glare was so intense that it gave me shivers down my spine. 

I searched my brain for anything smart to say, anything that would somehow magically fix everything between us… But in the end, all I could come up with was: “I miss you.”

Yuma gaped at me, raising an eyebrow. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” he demanded.

“I don’t know” I groaned, my tone almost desperate because it was the middle of the night and I had not slept enough for a whole week and I just wanted him to _understand_. “I don’t know, but I just can’t stop thinking about you! Things can’t continue this way!”

“You don’t make any sense, Yamada!” he groaned, shaking his head. “You made it very clear that you want to be nothing more than friends! And I think I made it clear that I can’t pretend to be ‘just friends’ with you anymore! So what the heck do you want from me?!”

“Yeah” I murmured, running my tongue over my lips in a nervous gesture. “You know, that’s it. Maybe, I made a mistake.”

“What mistake?!” Yuma snapped. “Say what you want to say, seriously!”

“I think maybe I am in love with you, after all” I called finally, louder than I had anticipated myself. “I just hadn’t realized how much I liked you until you were gone from my life, and now that you are, I feel more miserable than I ever felt.” I waited, and when there was no immediate reaction from Yuma, I groaned: “Hey, are you listening to me?!”

“Of course I’m listening to you” Yuma said drily. “But excuse me if I find it a little hard to believe that suddenly, you realized that you _can’t live without me_ or whatever lie you want to sell me! I’m not falling for this again, okay?!”

“Why would I be kidding you?!” I called. “I – okay, maybe I panicked last time. That was not fair of me, and I know it. But-“

“Not fair?!” Yuma demanded bitterly. “You led me on, Yamada! So how can you expect me to believe you now?!”

“I never intended to lie to you!” I defended myself. “Things just – somehow got out of control and I didn’t know what I was doing and feeling anymore!”

“So how can I be sure that you know what you are doing now?!” Yuma countered, and when I had no ready answer to that, he yelled: “I’m no quick fuck or whatever you think I am!”

“I never thought that” I murmured quietly. “You can’t actually think that I ever thought that.”

“You never gave me much else to work with” he shrugged, not meeting my eyes. “What am I supposed to think with the way you are acting?! One night, everything is blissful and perfect and the next morning you tell me that we shall pretend nothing happened – how do you think that felt?!”

“I know” I murmured regretfully. “I know, Yuma. I know that I was an ass. I know I deserve your cold shoulder. But I’m here now, right? I’m here to make things right again, and to apologize.”

“You really think I will jump on whatever train your mood is on right now, right?!” he groaned. “But that’s not the way things work, okay?! Newsflash – not everyone’s always dancing after Yamada Ryosuke’s tune!”

“Why can’t you just listen to me?!” I called desperately. “I mean, _really_ listen! I’m trying to tell you how much you mean to me! That I need you in my life! Why do you have to twist every word I say in my mouth?!”

“I don’t need to twist anything, you do that very well yourself!” Yuma snapped. 

I groaned, shaking my head, not knowing what to say or do anymore. I just wanted to break through the wall Yuma had built around himself somehow, but I had no idea how. 

“Tell me what to do” I pleaded. “Tell me what to do to make you believe me, and I will.”

“You can leave” Yuma returned drily. “I need my sleep, and you are keeping me up for nothing.”

I only stared at him helplessly, and Yuma turned for the door. In a last desperate attempt, I crossed the distance between us and slung my arms around his waist, clinging to him tightly. I could feel Yuma’s rapid heartbeat from where my palm was lying on his chest, the only clue that he was not really as calm as he pretended to be. 

“What are you doing?!” Yuma spat, but I held onto him, refusing to let go.

“I’m sorry” I whispered, throat tight with a sudden wave of tears I had not felt coming. “So sorry. I know I acted like a coward. I just – I was apparently so scared of feeling something for you that I didn’t even notice how much you meant to me until it hit me right in the face. That night, I… I said I was not myself, but maybe, that’s not true. It’s just been so long that I really let myself _feel_ what I was really feeling that I did not even realize that it was really _me_. _You_ made me feel like myself again for the first time in months, and the moment I realized that, it scared the heck out of me.” I waited a moment, but Yuma did not react, so I continued. “I ran, and I know I was a coward by doing that. I know I hurt you, and I regret that so much. But I’m not running anymore. You can ignore me, you can yell at me and throw me out and punch me or whatever you want and I won’t hold it against you. But I will not leave until you accept that I have feelings for you. I won’t give up until you believe me again.”

A single tear ran down my cheek and I bit my lip to keep myself in check, because I knew I was not in the position to cry my eyes out in front of Yuma. _He_ was the one who had been hurt, not me. It was my own mistake that I was feeling this way. It was just… 

“I won’t give up” I murmured shakily, the tears probably showing in my voice now, even though I did not want them to. “until you’ll smile at me again. Because there’s nothing that makes me feel better than seeing you smile.”

Yuma took a shaky breath in my embrace, before finally speaking.

“Why do you have to do this?” he murmured, his voice rough. “I’ve given up. I swore to not let you get to me anymore. So why do you have to say these things now?”

“Because you need to _know_ ” I murmured. “I let you suffer by yourself for so long that it wouldn’t be fair to you if I didn’t tell you.”

Yuma gulped, and when there was no answer, I tentatively let go of him, pulling at his arm to make him turn to me. He only faced me unwillingly, and when he finally did, he had tears in his eyes again just like me. 

The sight made everything inside of me clench, and I automatically reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his. 

You are moonlight

“I’m sorry” I murmured again. “I know I am difficult. I know you need to sometimes knock my head against something before I realize it. But I also know that you are important to me, and that I need you in my life. So please… can we start again? I swear I will not mess up this time.”

Yuma squeezed my fingers tentatively in response before meeting my eyes.

“I swear, Ryosuke, if this is another game, I will never believe you anything again” he whispered.

“It’s no game” I promised. 

Yuma gulped, and when I stepped closer to him this time, he did not pull away. I did not let go of his hand as I tentatively reached up to his cheek again with the other one, cupping his face. 

“Can I kiss you?” I whispered. 

Instead of answering, Yuma just closed his eyes and leaned into my touch, and I closed the distance between us to press my lips against his. 

The kiss was softer than any kiss we had exchanged that night, much more gentle but with so much more feeling that it made my whole body tingle from it. 

I swore then, that I was never going to let him go again. Not for anything in the world.

Don’t leave me alone, tonight

I let go of his hand to sling both my arms around his shoulders, for once not bothered by the height difference between us, just marveling at the muscles under my touch and the warmth of his skin that I could feel through the T-Shirt he had slept in… 

“Yuma” I whispered his name against his lips, and he shivered under my touch. I felt his hands tentatively clawing at the back of my own shirt before he really started to respond to the kiss, deepening it gradually and pressing his body into mine until it was hard to tell where I ended and he began. 

It felt like now that Yuma was this close, I could not stop touching him. My hands wandered over his back to his neck, petting his hair before going back down again, sneaking under his shirt. Yuma gasped as my cold hands touched his bare skin, biting my lip reproachfully, but I just continued exploring the warm silky texture under my fingers, too fascinated to stop. 

At some point, Yuma pulled away to breathe, and even then, I kept kissing him – down his jaw, his neck, his collarbone… Yuma moaned lowly when I mouthed at his Adam’s apple and I could feel the vibration on my lips. 

“I want to touch you” I whispered against his skin, fingering the seam of his boxers. “I want to feel you any way I can. Please, Yuma…”

“You are too active for this late at night” he sighed, but did not protest when I pulled him towards his bedroom by the hips.

“You don’t need to do much” I murmured as I nuzzled the place right behind his ear. “Just lie there, I’ll make you feel good.”

That startled a laugh out of Yuma, and when he spoke again, his voice was teasing.

“Gosh, you really _are_ desperate, aren’t you?!”

I stopped in my tracks and glared up at Yuma, who laughed even more.

“Don’t talk yourself out of a good deal” I warned. “You will regret it.”

“Wow, you are really full of yourself” he grinned, and I groaned before grabbing his arm and pulling him towards the bed. 

“Be quiet before I tie your mouth. Or possibly more.”

“Whatever, since I’m only supposed to ‘lie there’ anyways” he mocked, sprawling himself out on the matrices.

I crawled up so I hovered above him, silencing him with a deep kiss. Yuma sighed into it as I continued to trace the skin of his chest and stomach under his shirt, his right hand loosely squeezing the wrist I was using for balance. 

He did not complain when I started to pull his clothes out of the way, only moving up a little to help me and pulling me back into a kiss when I was done. 

I started to kiss down his body then, sucking and mouthing at every curve and bump I found, ecstatic about every moan and gasp I got out of Yuma. I really wondered why I had been so scared of this. It was addicting to touch Yuma like this. Now that I had started, I never wanted to stop. 

It was when I brushed my lips over the protrusion of his hip bones and traced my hand over the inside of his thighs that my nerves began to catch up with me a little, but when I chanced a look up at Yuma’s face, his expression looked so good that I shushed all nervousness and moved that last bit down. 

When I first took in the tip of his erection, it felt weird and intense. I could taste a bit of precum from Yuma’s slit and I could feel the pulse under my tongue and I took a moment to realize that this was really _Yuma_ and that I was here _sucking his dick_. The thought gave me a weird tingle in my stomach, but nothing that made me want to chicken out, because I don’t think chickening out felt like butterflies. 

Yuma was mostly still while I slowly took him in, taking my time to explore and see what worked out best for me, and if I heard occasional choked voices from him, it only fueled me on. 

When I came up again to look at him, his eyes were closed tightly, both of his hands fisting the blanket under him. He looked so good that I wanted to engrave that picture into my memory. 

“Yuma?” I whispered, reaching out to lace my fingers through his, making him open his eyes and focusing on mine.

“Hm?” he only murmured. 

“Can I take you?” I whispered, squeezing his hand. “Please.”

Yuma gulped, looking nervous suddenly, but still, he nodded. I knew how he was feeling, at least kind of – I had never slept with a guy before, and even my experiences with girls were limited, something that came with our profession. But I knew that I wanted to _feel_ Yuma, and if it worked for others, it would work for us as well. 

Yuma seemed to think along those lines as well, because when I kissed him, he just closed his eyes again, leaving the lead completely to me. There was a moment where I considered techniques and positions before I decided to just stay the way we were, slowly letting my fingers glide down his body. 

I nudged Yuma’s legs slightly apart with my knees before I sat up a little to concentrate on preparing him. I gently flicked my fingers over his entrance, feeling the tight ring of muscles twitch under my touch. 

“Yuma?” I whispered with a frown. “You don’t by any chance have lube or something, do you?”

I did not expect him to have any; I myself would not even possess any if Kawai had not once given me some as a joke for my birthday. So I gaped at him when he scrambled through his drawer lazily with one hand, pulling out a little bottle and giving it to me. 

“A.B.C-Z members and their birthday presents” he shrugged at my questioning look. “Don’t ask.”

I smirked before opening the bottle and squeezing some of the content into my palm. Properly lubed, I finally dared to return my finger to its former position and carefully slip it into Yuma. 

He gripped the sheets under his fingers a little more forcefully as I gently tried to spread him open, keen on not hurting him. He was tight and stiff and it took a while for him to relax under my ministrations, but when I was able to slip a second finger into him, and at last a third, he was moving his hips with me, his breathing uneven. 

When I was positive that he was ready for more, I finally slipped my fingers out of him to get rid of my own clothes. I had almost managed to ignore how painfully hard I was, too focused on Yuma, but when I finally brought a hand on my erection to lube myself, I had to hiss at the tension in my body. 

“I don’t think I’m going to last long” I warned as I positioned myself at Yuma’s entrance, holding onto his hips, squeezing the skin under my fingers. 

“Me neither” Yuma breathed, unfastening one of his hands from the sheets to search for mine. I quickly laced my fingers through his, holding on tightly, and waited until he nodded. 

When I pushed into him, Yuma tensed, clinging to my hand almost painfully, and I shook a little as I tried to push through his pulsing walls. 

“Yuma, relax” I breathed, holding in and stroking the skin of his sides. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’m trying” he murmured, his voice rough and I leaned up a little to kiss him. Yuma needed to meet me halfway to make it work, and even then, it was messy, but it was reassuring, and when I pushed into Yuma further, he only moaned and lay back down, eyes closed. 

I needed a while to create a proper rhythm, but when I did, it was hard to think. Yuma was tight and hot around me and every bit of friction felt so good that I was sure I would come any moment. 

When I was starting to get too close, I seemed to hit something inside of Yuma, because he suddenly jerked so much that I needed to hold onto his hips to keep him in place, moaning uncharacteristically loud. 

I tried to hit that point again and again from then on, shaking from the attempt to hold my own orgasm back, but it took only a few more thrusts in that position before Yuma came, groaning my name as he came undone in front of me. 

I could not have taken my eyes off of him even if I had wanted to and only when Yuma had stopped shaking and opened his eyes, leaning up to kiss me, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to let go as well. 

When I came down again, I was lying in Yuma’s arms, with him stroking the bangs out of my face lazily, eyes closed himself. I needed to smile, watching his peaceful face fondly until he finally looked at me again. 

“Can I sleep now?” he asked quietly, and chuckled when I poked him into the ribs.

“Is that all you have to say?!” I mocked, and Yuma only hummed before pulling me further into his arms. 

“I’ll just wait until tomorrow” he whispered tiredly. “Who knows if you won’t run tomorrow when we wake up...”

“I won’t” I promised seriously, leaning up to kiss his temple. “You won’t get rid of me this time, don’t worry.” 

Yuma just smiled and leaned his forehead against mine, relaxing against me.

**Extra:**

I whirled around instinctively when the door to the NYC dressing room opened, smiling widely when Yuma entered. His eyes met mine and he smirked, waving at me before dropping his things on his table.

“Chinen-Kun’s not there yet?” he checked inconspicuously, and I smiled before shaking my head and walking over to him.

“Nope” I chuckled, sneaking my arms around his waist and leaning up to kiss him softly. “He seems to be late.”

“Hm” he hummed noncommittally, not seeming to care much as he leaned in to repeat the kiss. 

It was then that the door jumped open, and we sprang apart to see Hikaru, Chinen and Kei standing in the doorframe. 

“Now look at that” Hikaru smirked, and Kei patted Chinen’s shoulder. 

“Seems like you don’t need us, after all” he shrugged, waving at us before turning to leave again. Hikaru snickered before following after him. 

Yuma and I stayed silent, staring at Chinen embarrassedly, and he smirked, seeming content as he closed the door behind him. 

“Great” he announced. “Now that that’s settled, we can finally get on with our lives.”

I shot a look at Yuma, and when he saw his amused grin, I couldn’t help but smile too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Desperate for comments, so please leave one! *inserts Yuma's puppy dog eyes*


End file.
